Does anyone really understand emotions
like shame, vulnerability or creativity?
Did you know that all three of these emotions are inextricably
linked? Vulnerability can cause feelings
of shame and shame can cause the experience of vulnerability. Did you know that you cannot be creative
without making room for the feelings associated with vulnerability? These are difficult topics to understand, in
part because there are often many layers and complexities to them. But I have found someone who does understand
them, Dr. Brene Brown. The first time I
saw Dr. Brown’s TED talk on The Power of Vulnerability (check out the
video: https://brenebrown.com/videos/) about
4 to 5 years ago I felt understood. I immediately related to her research and
found myself in much of what she was talking about. Vulnerability is the birthplace of many
things, including creativity and belonging.
What exactly is vulnerability though?
Vulnerability is defined as “uncertainty, risk and emotional
exposure”. Shame, a universal human
experience, often gets in the way of practicing vulnerability or being real in
our lives. Shame is defined as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing
that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something
we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”
Through her years of research (which is mainly done through
interviews with all sorts of people), Dr Brown has learned tactics to help the rest of us not
only get through life, but learn to thrive in it. Her hope for humanity is that we all learn
and practice what she calls, wholehearted living.
Early in 2017, I learned that The Daring Way University,
which trains mental health professionals on how to apply Dr. Brown’s research,
was offering trainings throughout 2017. I
decided to be brave and take a chance on this new opportunity. This training would allow me to work with
people and help them achieve WHOLEHEARTED LIVING.
On a Sunday in May of 2017, I drove to Faribault, MN, for a
2 day intensive training. I had some idea
what to expect, but was nervous nonetheless.
The word “vulnerable” kept popping up in my head. I was terribly anxious about “being
vulnerable” in this group setting surrounded by other mental health
professionals. There were 10 of us in
this group as well as a group facilitator.
At the beginning of the experience, we wrote down our intentions for
those 2 days. I identified that I wanted
to be authentic and open. Other
professionals in the group identified similar goals as well which helped me relax
a little bit.
The leaders, in their infinite wisdom, believe that the best
way to train future leaders is to have them go through the group experience
themselves. It was a humble reminder of
what it is like to be the client again.
I really had no idea what to expect which I imagine is how many new
clients feel when they first walk into a therapist’s office. We learned about what vulnerability is, and
isn’t, clarified personal values, what shame triggers are, how shame feels in our
bodies, what my ideal and unwanted identities are, and practiced
creativity. All of these things, in and
of themselves, were life changing for all of us in the room. But, the one thing I couldn’t have predicted
was the power of the group itself. The
10 of us in that group created such an energy that is indescribable. Rarely, have I felt so vulnerable, but so
connected to other people. How those two
opposites of vulnerable and connection exist in that room at the same time, is
part of the magic of The Daring Way. I will carry that with me forever.
After the 2 day training, I did 10 weeks of online classes,
in which I continued to learn about and practice the new skills. I continue to consult with my Daring Way Mentor
in preparation for becoming a Certified Daring Way Facilitator in my own right.
The best way for me to talk about the impact of The Daring
Way on my life, is for me to share some personal stories that illustrate what I
do differently. This past summer, my
family and I, made the painful decision to return our dog to the breeder. He had developed significant aggression
issues and we no longer felt safe in our own home. Despite our dog’s issues, we absolutely loved
him with all our hearts. Returning him
to the breeder brought up painful experiences of shame, wondering what we did
wrong to make him this way, and huge feelings of guilt that we were selfish for
giving him back to the breeder because we wanted normalcy in our home
again.
Before going through The Daring Way, shame would have driven
my outcome, rather than my personal values.
This time, I was able to identify shame in my body (a warm flush,
continuous negative thoughts about myself as well as constant confusion). Once I recognized I was caught up in shame, I
was able to respond differently. In the
past, I would have kept much of this to myself.
This time, I reached out to people in my Marble Jar (people in your life
who are safe and have earned the right to hear your story). I was able to connect with my values and make
decisions from that place, rather than from a place of shame and guilt. It has been 6 months since we let our dog
go. Although I still have pain and
grief, I feel very good about how I handled my thoughts and feelings throughout
that experience.
Another recent incident involved a family member, who asked
me to do something. In the past, I would
have said yes (even though I didn’t really want to do it). This time I applied what I learned from Dr.
Brown, I asked myself crucial questions…do I want to do this? How am I afraid of being perceived if I say
no? If I go, am I being my authentic
self? There are certain people in my
life that I can be my authentic self with but like any human being, there are certain
people I find it hard to do this with.
This particular family member is one of those people.
The fact that I even asked myself
those questions is a testament to The Daring Way. It got me off automatic pilot. I live more consciously. I am driven more by my authentic self vs. the
self that is afraid she will be disliked.
This work isn’t easy. In the example above with the family member, I
drove myself (and my husband), slightly crazy for a few days. It was pretty terrifying for me to do
something different than what was expected of me.
I
invite you to get off automatic pilot. Take
your life to the next level. Fill that
hole inside of you. I promise, you will
never be the same. Check out her books,
like “The Gifts of Imperfection” and “Daring Greatly”. Or better yet…come join me for The Daring Way
weekend. Check out the details
here: http://www.espritcounseling.com/thedaringway.html
Jennifer Olkowski is a state certified Licensed Professional Counselor and Clinical Substance Abuse Counselor who has worked in a variety of behavioral settings, including inpatient, outpatient and private practice. Jennifer enjoys working with children, adolescents and adults with a variety of mental health issues from everyday adjustment concerns to mild and significant anxiety concerns to mood disorders. She is especially passionate and skilled in working with the anxiety spectrum disorders. Jennifer has received specific training in Exposure and Response Prevention, the gold standard of treatment in anxiety disorders. She is particularly passionate about bringing mindfulness and commitment to values in everyday life utilizing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Her focus is encouraging present moment awareness, more compassion for the self and helping clients identify what truly matters to them. Jennifer has a Bachelor’s of Science in Psychology from UW Oshkosh and Masters of Science in Community Counseling from the University of Nebraska. As a parent herself, Jennifer recognizes the challenges in raising children who are healthy and resilient to the many ups and downs of life. When Jennifer is not in the office, she enjoys spending time with her family, cooking and being in the outdoors.
Jennifer Olkowski is a state certified Licensed Professional Counselor and Clinical Substance Abuse Counselor who has worked in a variety of behavioral settings, including inpatient, outpatient and private practice. Jennifer enjoys working with children, adolescents and adults with a variety of mental health issues from everyday adjustment concerns to mild and significant anxiety concerns to mood disorders. She is especially passionate and skilled in working with the anxiety spectrum disorders. Jennifer has received specific training in Exposure and Response Prevention, the gold standard of treatment in anxiety disorders. She is particularly passionate about bringing mindfulness and commitment to values in everyday life utilizing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Her focus is encouraging present moment awareness, more compassion for the self and helping clients identify what truly matters to them. Jennifer has a Bachelor’s of Science in Psychology from UW Oshkosh and Masters of Science in Community Counseling from the University of Nebraska. As a parent herself, Jennifer recognizes the challenges in raising children who are healthy and resilient to the many ups and downs of life. When Jennifer is not in the office, she enjoys spending time with her family, cooking and being in the outdoors.