“Just Get Over It”: When Your Grief is Not Supported

We all have experienced grief at one time or another. However, while most people associate it with death of a loved one, many other life changes or events can cause grief. Examples of events and transitions where grief typically occurs, but may not be acknowledged or socially supported, include: divorce, serious illness, physical impairment, moving, job loss or change, infidelity, abuse, natural disaster, traumatic events, infertility, pet loss, children growing up, loss of an expectation or dream, loss of a societally unsanctioned relationship, and aging.

Such “disenfranchised” (i.e., unacknowledged or unsupported) grief undermines our normal coping strategies. When grief is viewed as illegitimate, we fail to receive the support and empathy typically given after the death of a loved one. Instead, although we may know something is wrong, we (as well as family and friends) may ignore, dismiss, or play down our right to grieve. We may think (or be told to) “just get over it,” but reminders of loss -- such as missing favorite activities due to a disability or not being able to spend a holiday or birthday with family members due to divorce or a move -- can lead to chronic grief (Doka, 2016).

Grief experienced by children or teens may also be disenfranchised because adults often assume that children are less aware of and less affected by life events. Teens and children may hear, “You’re young, you’ll get over it” after losing a friend, experiencing peer rejection, or enduring a family move. Yet children and teens are acutely aware of and affected by life events and transitions involving themselves, family, or friends. These experiences can be traumatic as well, complicating symptoms of grief (Hooyman & Kramer, 2006).

When others minimize, fail to recognize, or dismiss our grief, we lose a crucial coping mechanism: social support. As a result, we may hide our grief, fearing social disapproval or be influenced to believe we have no right to grieve. Instead, we feel “something is wrong with me,” leading to shame, embarrassment, or a sense of failure. Messages such as “It’s time to move on,” “get over it,” or “it’s not that bad” further compound our suffering because they foster self-doubt, self-blame, resentment, feeling misunderstood, and disconnection. We end up confused by conflicting feelings that make it difficult to sort out our feelings (Doka, 2016).

I personally have experienced disenfranchised grief from various life events: surviving a cancer diagnosis after being given a 20% chance to live, the end of my first marriage, an empty nest (causing mixed feelings of pride for my children’s independence but also loss), death of a pet, moving, and career change all involved feelings of loss.

My own losses have made me realize the personal courage and self-awareness it takes to acknowledge continuing grief when the world thinks you should be “over it,” to reach out for support from others (including professional support), and to be self-compassionate (rather than denying one’s feelings). I have both witnessed and experienced the strength, wisdom, and beauty that can come from acknowledging and working through grief to establish a new normal.

When experiencing disenfranchised grief, have the courage to reach out and get the support you need. Counseling can be especially helpful when you are not getting or feel uncomfortable asking for support from friends, family, and loved ones. Additionally, counselors trained in grief work can provide specific grief interventions to help you process your grief, acknowledge your loss, and cope with what you are experiencing. Further, if you have or are experiencing trauma symptoms related to the grief event, counselors trained in trauma work, can help in identifying, validating, processing, and coping with these as well. In addition, counseling can help loved ones learn how to best support you, when experiencing disenfranchised grief. 

Kathy Glick specializes in working with clients coping with life transitions or challenging life events, including loss, trauma, and relationship issues, and is currently accepting new clients. Kathy has specialized training and certification for working with loss and grief including: loss of a loved one, divorce, relationship changes, empty nest, pet loss, job change, loss of safety or trust, retirement, moving, change in health status, aging, etc. 

Kathy has specialized trauma training, including EMDR, as well as specialized training in couples therapy. She attended training through the Beck Institute for CBT and uses evidence based therapies to help address anxiety, depression, self-esteem, relationship, and confidence issues. Having experienced several of her own losses, life changes, and challenging transitions, clients find Kathy to be both empathetic and insightful.

Kathy holds a Master of Science in Professional Counseling, a Bachelor's degree in Business Administration (providing her with a broader, practical perspective), certification from the National Board for Certified Counselors, and is licensed in the state of Wisconsin. Outside of work, Kathy loves spending time with family, friends, and her dog, Miguel. She enjoys traveling, yoga, walking, biking, cooking, and reading.