Conversations around co-parenting often center around what not to
do. Common statements that people often hear are “don’t fight in front of the
kids”, “don’t use the kids against one another”, “don’t bad mouth the other
parent”, “don’t put your children in the middle of the conflict”. These
messages don’t offer help or suggestions for parents on what to do to navigate
the difficulties of co-parenting after a divorce. Divorce is difficult on the
whole family and can come with feelings of anger, hurt, fear, and resentment.
These feelings can make it difficult to co-parent in the beginning when
emotions are high, however it’s important to find ways of interacting with your
ex that support your kids. Below are some useful ideas on how to maintain
positive interactions that benefits the children.
1.
Be there for
your children: It is important for both parents to be emotionally present for
their kids and engaged in what they have going on in their life.
2.
Talk with the children about the divorce: It is important for children to know they are not being abandoned, by
either parent and they are not to blame. Divorce can be a long process so it is
important to check in regularly as changes in the family occur. Let them know
that you are there to support them.
3.
How you feel about your ex is less important than how you act
towards them. Speak and act in a respectful manner
towards the other parent especially when the children are present. It is
important for the child's well being to shield them from conflict and show respect
to the other parent. Avoid putting the children in the middle and
involving them in adult problems, it puts too much pressure and stress on them.
4.
Choose your battles. Major life decisions should be made
jointly however parents sometimes have different views in these topics. Divorced parents don't need to agree, but learn how to deal with the differences and
compromise. Determine what is most important to address and provide room
for the other parent to make some choices to avoid fights on smaller topics.
After time heals the hurt that occurs with the divorce some of those topics may
be more easily addressed. Each parent has the right to develop their own
parenting style, as long as no harm is being done.
5.
Support the other parent in having relationships with your
children. Keep a co-parenting schedule, remain
flexible whenever possible and cooperate. The kids are the ones who are
affected when this is not a priority. Focus on co-parenting responsibilities
rather than your relationship with your ex-partner. This can be hard when there
is still hurt and anger that exists from the divorce however it is important to
deal with these feeling separate from the relationship that the children have
with the other parent.
6.
Maintain open communication channels with the other parent. Each party is entitled to their privacy; the only information that
needs to be shared between co-parents are things that pertain to the children.
If your relationship is not in a place to talk in a healthy manor try
sticking to emails or phone calls rather than face to face meetings. In
some circumstances, it may be beneficial to have a third-party present to help
mediate.
7.
Maintain your children's community support. It is necessary for the children to feel secure especially when major
changes are occurring in the family. Part of security involves maintaining
routines and existing relationships with extended family, friends, and school
activities. Children count on predictability in as many areas as possible;
with many changes are going on in the family it is important to have
predictability in their other relationships and routines.
8.
Maintain your own health and well being. Focus on what you need during this time and seek help and support when
needed. In order to be there for your children, you need to be taking care of
your well being through the divorce process and post-divorce.
9.
Seek out informal and formal sources of support.
So, you may be reading this thinking yes, that all sounds great; I
can do that, but what about the other parent, they are not following any of
those guidelines. It can be very frustrating to deal with a parent that will
not cooperate. It can make it difficult for you to make good decisions and not
sink to the level of the uncooperative parent even if that is not in the best interest
of your child. Usually the parent who is unwilling to cooperate or involves the
children in the divorce process has unresolved anger, grief or sadness. Leave
the issues of the marriage in the past. Playing out the never-ending
conversations does not help the situation, the divorce has happened, and
continuing to relive those conversations/problems just increases feelings of
frustration and anger. Continue to redirect the focus to topics that relate to
the kids.
Overall divorce impacts everyone in the family. It is normal to
experience emotions of sadness, resentment, anger, and frustration and it may
take time to heal from the relationship ending and the change in family
dynamics. At times, it may be beneficial to seek support from friends, family
or a professional to start the healing process, focus on your own health and well being and find ways to figure out how to co-parent with an ex-partner maintaining
focus on the children’s well being. Co-parenting is an ever evolving process
from the time the kids are young until even when they are over 18, keeping the well being of your children as the focus can help with this difficult process.
|
Danielle has a Bachelor’s of Arts in Psychology from UW Milwaukee and Master’s Degree of Science Education in Clinical
Mental Health Counseling from the UW Oshkosh. Outside of work Danielle enjoys spending time with friends and family,
traveling and exercising.
nice
ReplyDelete