Parenting with Choices and Logical Consequences

Raising kids is hard work. Of course there are wonderful moments of parenting that remind you of all the beauty in having children but in between those there can be some really tough moments. Here are a few tips to help navigate the challenges of managing difficult behaviors in your children.

When dealing with a difficult behavior or defiance start with offering choices instead of moving right to consequences. The choices that you offer the child will both have desirable results but will give the child a sense of autonomy. For example if your child is refusing to go to bed you may offer the choices, “Would you like to read a book or listen to quiet music when you get in bed?” You could also offer, “Would you like mom or dad to read you a story once you get in bed?” If your child is refusing to do their homework you may offer the choices, “would you like to do your homework at the kitchen table or in your room?” You may also try, “Would you like to listen to music on the radio or with your headphones while you do your homework?” There are endless choices that you can offer but regardless of what they choose the end result will be positive. This can help to reduce power struggles as it allows the child to feel they have some choice in the situation.

If after offering choices a child is still not able to follow through with completing a task or discontinuing a certain behavior you can put in a place a logical consequence. A logical consequence is one that is connected to undesirable behavior. For example if a child is using hurtful words towards another person they could be asked to say or write 5 nice things about that person. At times when a child may hurt another person they are then asked to do a kind act for that person as a logical consequence. For teens a typical issue may be coming home late, so a logical consequence would be earlier curfew the next time they are out. These consequences are directly connected to the behavior and help the child make the connection between their behavior and the consequence while also encouraging positive behavior. This is a different approach than taking something away such as a toy or screen time as those would be unrelated to these behaviors. Also, with young children the consequence should very closely follow the behavior. If too much time passes between the behavior and consequence young children may fail to make the connection to their behavior.

A different type of consequence is the natural consequence. These consequences occur naturally as a result of the child’s behavior. For example, if a teen refuses to pick their clothes up to be washed and then they don’t have the clean clothes they want to wear for school that is a natural consequence for their choices. Natural consequences can be a helpful tool to help parents not engage in power struggles. In this example not engaging in the power struggle of getting your teen to clean their clothes up in their room because as a result they may not have certain clothes clean when they want to wear them. This will be a way for the teen to recognize the power and responsibility they have in their own lives and reduce arguments with parents.

In all of these scenarios the most important piece is consistency and follow through. If you deem a certain behavior unacceptable then you must be consistent with that and give a consequence each time that behavior occurs. The same goes for follow through, if you tell a child there will be a consequence for a particular behavior then you must follow through when that behavior occurs. Without consistency and follow through behavior change will not occur.

At the end of the day, don’t forget to highlight the positives in your children. They will make mistakes from time to time but help them to understand this does not make them a “bad kid”. Help them to separate their choices from who they are. Making a poor choice does not make them a bad kid. Recognize when they do things well and reward positive behavior. You are their greatest support and their biggest fan, your approval and love is often their most desired reward. 

Kaitlyn Gitter is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Esprit Counseling and Consulting in Neenah, WI. Kaitlyn believes that human connection and growth are the keys to emotional wellness. She is dedicated to providing a safe, comfortable, and peaceful experience to explore your life story.  Kaitlyn works with children, adolescents, families, and couples and has a special interest in working with individuals who have an eating disorder.  To schedule an appointment with Kaitlyn now, please go to www.espritcounseling.com